What Unforgiveness Does to a Woman

Earlier this evening, I went to Walmart to pick up a few items.  When I'd completed my shopping, I made my way to one of the few registers I saw open.  The lines were pretty backed up, so I didn't bother trying to see which register had the shortest line.  I simply pushed my cart to an open register and stood in line.  As it turned out, the line I'd chosen was obviously a pretty decent line because there were only two families standing ahead of me.  The first woman was probably alone, but I'd initially thought the teenage girls were with her.  She looked Hispanic, but the two teenagers I'd initially seen were obviously biracial.  It wasn't long, however, before I realized the two girls were not with her.  They were with the woman directly in front of me, and there was another young lady standing with them, but she appeared to be pretty distant from them.  The two teenage girls were bubbly and very chatty with one another, but the other young lady was a rebel.  She looked to be anywhere between nineteen to twenty four years old and she was heavy set.  Unlike the young ladies with her, she didn't dress girly, nor did she seem to be enjoying herself.  I could see anger in her.  I could see hatred in her.  I could tell that she wanted to fight someone, somewhere...anything.

The young lady wasn't wearing a frown nor was she chatty, but her less than friendly demeanor spoke louder than words.  When it was almost their time to checkout, the teenage girls began to load their items onto the conveyer belt, but the rebellious young woman stood directly behind the cart.  The woman who was obviously the mother began to shuffle through her purse while the two bubbly teenagers unloaded the buggy.  They pulled the shopping cart up a little to allow me to unload my items once they'd finished, but the rebellious young woman stood behind them, blocking the conveyer belt.  I could tell that she was full of wrath; she was full of debt.  She looked in my direction, and then, she began to look around.  There was no reason for her to block me from unloading my items, but she was determined to find one.  After a few seconds of shuffling through the candy, she picked up a magazine and began to flip through the pages.  I didn't bulge, nor was I upset with her.  I was studying her behavior because I've come to learn that there is a lot of wisdom to be had in situations like the one I was in, but our own inner conflicts and struggles with pride often make it difficult for us to look for wisdom when we're in the midst of ignorance.  Instead, whenever we come in contact with individuals who like to provoke the flesh, we often get in our flesh to respond to them.  Doing so robs us of so many golden opportunities to get more wisdom, knowledge and understanding.  Think of it this way.  Animals in the wild have instinctual behaviors, nonetheless, each individual animal is unpredictable and because of this, Animal Behaviorists often spend months studying certain groups or families of animals to learn what sets them out from the rest.  Let's say a man named Toby decided to study a family of lions.  He finds a pride and begins to follow them over the next six months.  Toby notices that most of the family no longer appears to be threatened by him.  The only one who seems to be agitated by his presence is a young lioness he's nicknamed Princess.  Every time Toby comes near the pride's hangout, Princess approaches his jeep and tries to chase him away.  Trying to escape Princess has cost Toby a lot of time and money.  Nevertheless, instead of being angry with Princess, Toby focuses most of his investigation on the feisty young lioness.  After all, she's simply being what she is: an animal.  Because of Toby's patience and his wise decision to focus more on Princess, Toby gathers a lot of new information about pride hierarchy.  Toby's patience eventually earns him many awards and allows him to write many best-selling books.  We have to take on the same mentality in life because there are countless opportunities to gather wisdom in this earth, but the average person misses these opportunities because the average person battles with being easily offended.

As the young woman flipped through the magazine, I could tell that she wasn't reading any of the articles, nor was she spending time looking at any of the photos, even though she was flipping through the pages slowly.  Her eyes danced up and down the pages, but I wasn't bothered by her at all.  The woman behind me, on the other hand, seemed to be provoked.  After all, the store was already busy and it goes without saying that people want to get in and get out of Walmart as fast as they can.  The cashier was almost done ringing up their items and I hadn't had the opportunity to place my items on the conveyer belt.  On any other day, I would have likely said, "Excuse me" and walked around her to unload my items, but wisdom dictated that I patiently await my turn.  After all, the young woman was obviously full of debt and wanted a fight, and it just wasn't worth it.

People who are full of debt are full of unforgiveness.  They've been hurt, betrayed, misled, misused and left to die in their misery.  They've chosen not to take the path to forgiveness set before them by Jesus Christ.  To them, that route is too passive and it's obviously for what they perceive to be "the weak", when in truth, it takes immeasurable strength to forgive when everything in you wants to do otherwise.  With no wisdom in store, they walk about the earth trusting in the strength of their flesh.  To them, everyone who stands within a few feet of them is indebted to them somehow.  They place the debt they've held over others onto every familiar and unfamiliar face that dares to cross their paths.  Oftentimes, women place debt on other women because they've been hurt by other women.  For example, women who've been cheated on multiple times in their lives may go through life never forgiving the women who've slept with the men they once called their boyfriends or husbands.  Even after those relationships have ended, they still walk around angry with the women they feel contributed to their broken hearts.  Having no (legal) way to collect this debt, they began to place that debt on every woman they come in contact with.  We've all seen them.  They roll their eyes at complete strangers, and any time they're in a group setting, they may giggle and whisper whenever another woman is within a few yards of them because that woman has crossed into what they feel is their personal space.  An unforgiving woman's personal space is much larger than the personal space of a woman walking in love.  For example, anytime I'm in a store shopping, I can always feel the love radiating through a happy woman.  She may be on a different aisle than the one I'm on, but her presence is undeniable, and whenever we do pass one another, she will look at me and smile before speaking.  She'll likely compliment something I'm wearing; for example, she may say, "I like your hair.  Who did it?"  She walks in love because she has forgiven the people who've hurt and betrayed her in the past.  She has decided to move forward with her life.

Debt is the number one reason a lot of women don't find peace; they don't find their wealthy places, and they don't find themselves, and therefore, they cannot be found by their God-appointed husbands.  After all, it is easy to believe that the debt we've placed on others is justifiable because we were the ones who suffered through each betrayal and every evil word spoken.  It is easy to undermine the trials others have had to go through, especially when we see them come out of those trials unscathed.  It is easy to tell ourselves that their fiery trials weren't as bad as our own because they don't look like what they've been through.  It is easy to stay in unforgiveness, but it takes prayer and effort to come out of it.  It takes strength to overcome the strongman of unforgiveness.

As I stood in line behind the rebellious and angry young woman, I took notice of her garments and behaviors.  She was masculine and it was clear that she did not have the confidence the other two young women had.  She slowly made her way towards the front of the register when she noticed that the cashier was almost done ringing up her family.  I hurriedly pulled my cart forward and began to unload it because I knew I could have it fully unloaded by the time the cashier was done.  That way, I wouldn't hold up anyone else.  As I began to unload my items, my eyes met the eyes of the woman who was standing behind me.  I giggled inside as I noticed the expression on her face.  She looked at the girl, and then, back at me to convey her disdain for the young woman's behavior.  She was what I refer to as a self-appointed debt cancellation specialist, meaning, she'll happily engage with women who are full of debt.  She was about the same age as myself, and she appeared to be somewhat calm, nevertheless, I could still see the fight in her.

Some women are in debt, meaning, they are always trying to compensate for something.  They passively walk behind Creditors, thankful for the opportunity to be called their friends, not realizing that the people they are following have become their Creditors and has placed debt on them.  They don't realize that everything their "friend" has done for them wasn't done out of love; it was her way of placing them in greater debt to herself.  Debt Collectors are the most dangerous of them all because they feel indebted to the Creditor, so they'll often fight her battles for her.  Creditors are the ones who are full of unforgiveness and they treat life and the living as if they owe them something.  They are always angry with someone, gossiping about someone, or involving themselves in the problems of others.  They are always trying to collect the debts they feel are owed to them, but every fight, every argument, and every broken relationship only serves to add more debt to their already bankrupt hearts.  They don't realize that the enemy has them running in circles, delaying their deliverance, progress, prosperity and all that God has in store for them.  It goes without saying that many of these women are in the church, and a large number of them want to be married.  Some are even bombarding heaven's phone lines with questions regarding the whereabouts of their husbands, and of course, they keep going to heaven's voice mail.  In this voice mail, the Lord lovingly repeats Mark 6:15: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

• "I forgave my ex," they all say, all the while, keeping their exes from seeing their children.
• "I forgave my ex," they all say, all the while, being argumentative towards these men every time they call about the welfare of their children.
• "I forgave my ex," they all say, all the while, mistreating and ridiculing the women their exes are romantically involved with.
• "I forgave the woman my ex cheated on me with," they all say, all the while, rolling their eyes at every woman who looks like or reminds them of her.
• "I forgave myself," they all say, all the while, covering their bodies in tattoos, lighting up cigarettes, poisoning their bodies with alcohol, and fornicating every chance they get.

Forgiveness isn't just a nice word that we speak to evoke the blessings of God; it is an action word, and anytime we say we've forgiven someone, what we call forgiveness has to be tried and proven.  We may come across the people we've reportedly forgiven and they may still be their unloving, ungodly selves.  Forgiving them does not depend on how they treat us; it is a decision to love them despite their present conditions.  Now, this does not mean that we have to open our lives to them, but we should love them enough to pray for them even from afar.  When the Jews hung Jesus on the cross, He immediately prayed for them and said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."  He was interceding on their behalves, even though they were yet still in the midst of their wickedness.  At the same time, He interceded for us while we were yet still in the midst of our sins, but it's easy to forget this when we've been hurt, especially when the measure of our hurt surpasses the measure of our knowledge.  You see, whenever we run out of knowledge, we tap into the flesh, so anytime someone hurts us and we know how to handle that person, we often find it easy to forgive them.  Nevertheless, whenever someone does something to us that we don't know how to handle or they have personalities (or spirits) that we don't know how to handle, we often find it hard to forgive them because they've placed us in situations that we had trouble getting out of.  This means that it wasn't so much the person that we were truly angry with.  We simply got frustrated because we came to the end of our knowledge, and from there, we tapped into our flesh.  For example, in the store while dealing with the provoking spirit that was in the young lady ahead of me, I knew how to handle her.  To deal with someone like that, you simply ignore them and focus on whatever it is you've set out to do because people like that want attention, be it negative or positive.  They're frustrated with life and they're frustrated with people, so you never avail yourself to be that outlet they need to transfer their hatred into.  Instead, the better way to handle them is to ignore their passive aggressive tantrums until they realize how silly they look.  In this case, the young woman caught the attention of the people in line as well as the cashier.  She ended up looking silly by herself because I was not going to meet her on her level, and of course, I couldn't evangelize her because she wasn't looking for evangelism.  She wanted a fight or an argument; she simply wanted to release whatever anger she had stored up inside her.  Now, if I hadn't known how to handle the situation, I could have easily tapped into my flesh, walked around her as she flipped through the magazine and began to unload my cart.  This would've been my way of communicating with her that I was willing to come to her level, and even though she likely wouldn't have verbally addressed me had I done such a thing, she would have communicated her frustration by remaining still while I walked around her.  Basically, we would have engaged in a passive aggressive silent war where there are no winners, only fools.  Nevertheless, because I knew how to deal with such a soul, it was easy for me to not be offended and to search for the wisdom in that situation.

Here are a few truths about women in debt.  Of course, these truths can be applied to men too, but let's remember, this blog is for women.

1. Whenever a woman hasn't forgiven the people who've hurt her over the course of her life, she will not be a blessing to her husband, but instead, she'll place that debt on him.  She will fully expect her husband to "make her happy" because she does not have inner peace.  Of course, such a task is impossible, and the husband will find himself going to great lengths to pay off a debt he did not make and cannot afford.  This means that his wife would not be a help meet for him, but instead, would be a thorn in his side.
2. Whenever a woman hasn't forgiven the people who've hurt her, she has shut herself off from hearing from God, and therefore, she will be led by her flesh.  This means her wisdom will be limited to only that of which she's learned before she entered unforgiveness and whatever information others have told her.  I met a woman like this and her entire ministry was based on what others told her and not what the Holy Spirit taught her.  I call this a parakeet ministry.
3. Whenever a woman hasn't forgiven the people who've hurt her, she will not love, forgive and respect the creature that she is.  It'll be easy for her to submit the members of her body to fornication or poison her body with drugs and alcohol.
4. Whenever a woman hasn't forgiven the people who've hurt her, she will not be mentally available to protect her children the way they need to be protected.  She will also impart that hatred to her children because she will come to believe that her mindset is a shield that has protected her from future, past and present harm, and therefore, she will hand that mindset to her children.  If any of her children refuse to accept her hatred, she may purposely do things to hurt them in her attempts to break them.
5. Whenever a woman hasn't forgiven the people who've hurt her, she won't have a sound mind.  What this means is she will spend too much time meditating on the issues of yesterday and yesteryear that it'll be hard for her to be of any good benefit today.  She will become her own version of a private investigator, and she will add events and conversations together in her attempts to flush out any secrets she feels her loved ones are keeping from her.  It'll be hard to enjoy a peaceful day with her because she will spend too much time talking about the things of the past.

An unforgiving woman is not a blessing to be had because she has not yet learned the value of forgiveness.  She has not yet learned that unforgiveness affects everyone in her life.  She will attempt to place steering wheels on everyone and every thing in her life because she feels the need to control everyone and every thing in her life, and anytime she feels she's losing control, she will overreact.  

But what if you're that unforgiving woman?  What can you do to release others from debt, and at the same time, get back in rightstanding with God?  First and foremost, please remember that forgiveness isn't something that comes over us just because we've lifted our hands in worship and said we wanted it.  Forgiveness is a choice, but it involves peeling back every layer of hurt that we've gone through.  Forgiveness starts off as a decision, and then, it requires an action plan.  For example, one of the things we must do is openly confess our sins and our true feelings; that way, we can be free of them.   "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much" (James 5:16).

I didn't really know the power of confession until I opened all the way up to God and began to tell Him things I was ashamed to tell Him.  I began to confess to my friends the things I'd struggled with, and each time, I was almost immediately healed.  "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death" (Revelation 12:11).
Honestly, being truthful with myself was the first step and the hardest one to take because it's so easy to walk in false humility; after all, false humility only requires that we believe our own lies and keep a straight face when we're faced with the truth.  Walking in love, however, requires action and it causes us to come outside of ourselves to better understand the reasons people do what they do.

The next thing you ought to do is start praying for (not against) the person or people who've hurt you.  Now, this is one of the greatest tests of love, especially if you truly believe that God hears and answers your prayers.  Asking God to forgive, deliver and bless someone who's hurt you is no easy task when pride and unforgiveness are on the scene, nevertheless, God loves to see us behaving like Jesus.  You see, the devil will always tell you that you are rewarding them for hurting you, but the truth is...Satan has soldiers who have blindly joined his military and he wants to keep them enlisted.  Walking in love towards them oftentimes opens their eyes and helps them to get free of Satan's strongholds and he doesn't want this.  He was counting on you to provoke them or hurt them because of their behaviors toward you, so when you start praying for them instead, you are in the same, trying to recruit them for the army of the Lord.  This means you cause his plans to backfire.

Finally, you need to practice walking in love until loving your enemies becomes a lifestyle, mindset and a habit.  Honestly, it's not as hard as it appears to be.  The hardest part is getting past yourself so that you can embrace the love of God and extend it to others.  Once you get past self and overcome the spirit of pride, you'll find that walking in love is actually more rewarding than walking in unforgiveness.  For example, when I walked out of Walmart, I felt like I'd passed a test.  I hadn't given the girl any dirty looks, nor had I made any snide remarks.  As a matter of fact, my sunny disposition hadn't changed a bit.  I was filled with joy when I got in line, and when I was done checking out, my joy was still full.  I wasn't mad at the girl, but instead, I made a mental note to pray for her.  Walking in love is nothing but making a decision to walk against the grain of your understanding.  It means that even though your flesh is directing you to go in one direction and pride is raging up against you like strong gusts of wind, you've decided to go against how you feel and do what appears to be a difficult task.  After a while, walking in love becomes second nature.  Now, that's not to say that you won't have those times when your flesh appears to be greater than your convictions.  What it does mean is that when those times do come, you'll know that you've come to the end of your knowledge, and this means you simply need more knowledge.  This means that you'll know not to call heaven and leave the Lord voicemails asking for a husband, a house, or a car.  Instead, you'll call heaven and ask the Lord for more patience, wisdom, knowledge and understanding because you'll come to know that everything you want is tied up to those things.  Don't let unforgiveness imprison and rob you another day.  Repent today, release yourself from prison, and start the journey back to you.  The journey won't always be a fun journey, but it is a necessary one.  The hardest parts of this journey is coming into territories and mindsets that are new to you, and being placed amongst people who aren't like the people you normally hang around.  This simply means that God is enlarging your territory, but to do this, He had to take you out of your comfort zone.  While you are on this journey, you have a unique opportunity to study and document the mindsets you come across because the journey you're on is one that many will take.  It is always wise to create road maps for others and publish them as guides to help those who will eventually take the same journey that you're on.

If any of the following definitions below describes you, be sure to talk to the Lord and hand over every mindset that's hindering your life:

Creditor: An individual who's extended opportunities to others, only to get hurt in return, and now, you walk around waiting on those people to get what's due to them.  Nevertheless, in the mean time, you keep your guards up and only enter friendships and situations where you feel you can be in control; after all, you don't trust the leadership of another human being.
Debt Collector: An individual whose comfort zone is found in relationships where you are second, third, fourth or fifth in command.  You don't mind following someone who appears to be intelligent, confident, bold, and knows where they're going.  Additionally, you depend on that person (Creditor) for validation and/or financial help, and because the Creditor has helped you out of many struggles, you would do almost anything for that person.  Their enemies are your enemies.  
Debt Cancellation Specialist: You try not to bother anyone, but if someone oversteps their boundaries with you, you're going to teach them a much needed lesson.  By the time you're done with them, they'll either know that you don't owe them anything, or you've just given them what's been overdue to them.